A Very Elaborate Hoax
by rogue empress
Summary: I've done everything you're not supposed to do. OH but breaking the rules is so much fun... only written up to the first commercial break or so. Review and tell me if it's worth it.
1. Shiny Presents

It's shameless. It's probably very unoriginal. It's mainly for my own entertainment, but I hope you can look past all the giant faux-pas that are going to be included and like it too, if even just a tiny bit.

All characters in the fic so far belong to Joss Whedon and all the other proper owners of the show "Firefly." I also realize that it would not be permissible to say "shit" on television. That's the beauty of fanfics.

This is written in script form. Mainly because that's how I see it and I've gotten lazy with doing descriptions in straight prose. Also because I like to play make-believe when no one's around, and what is make-believe besides an improv play? The idea spawned from just such a special alone time, and you better believe I played all the characters.

Enjoy.

* * *

_Scene: Mal and Jayne are walking through knee-deep snow and navigating around giant snow-covered boulders. It is Earth that Was, somewhere in Siberia, and they are looking for a certain piece of cargo. Mal is carrying a shovel and a pretty cheap tracker that has no screen but rather beeps when they're getting closer to the coveted object. He's dressed in a long trench coat and gloves, and actually has a scarf on, but no hat. Jayne is wearing the hat his mother made for him, a scarf, ski gloves, a parka which goes down almost to his knees, and is walking like he's wearing about four pairs of pants. He's carrying a shovel as well, and begins complaining for the 14th time since they got off ship._

**Jayne: **Gorramn freezing on this rock. _(Tightens the string of his hat under his chin and sticks his free hand in his other armpit.) _Mal, was the money so good we gotta be traipsin' around this god-forsaken planet like a bunch of --

**Mal **(_interrupting) _Would you quit your belly-achin' already? I'm trying to find somethin' and I can't hear the tracker with you yammerin' on like that.

**Jayne: **(_quieter) _Place gives me the creeps is all...

**Mal: **I hear what you're sayin', Jayne. I'm just wondering when I made any inclination that I gave a shit. Now pipe down. We got a job to do.

_They take a few more steps before the tracker starts beeping like mad. _

**Mal:** There. _(Puts tracking device in his coat pocket and starts digging.)_

_By the time the box is uncovered it's about 8 feet long and three feet deep, way too big for the two men to get out of the 4-foot hole it was in and back to the ship _

**Mal: **That son of a bitch.

**Jayne: **(_still digging, notices something.) _Um, Mal? _(Kicks snow away from a rope at the head of the box.) _Is that a sled? We gotta take a box bigger than me and a flippin' sled all the way back to Serenity?

**Mal: **_(relieved, smiles) _Get ready to mush.

-----------------------------

_Back on serenity. River is wandering around the kitchen while everyone (sans Wash) lounges in their chairs having idle conversation. She's talking to herself, but so that everyone hears._

**River: ** The girl likes to fight and the boy likes to sing. Dark cold. She dances with dogs that laugh and cheer, no one else. Shh, shhh, too cold to sing. _(suddenly frightened)_ Not safe not safe. Leave! Run away!

**Simon: **(_going to her)_ River?

**River:** (_matter-of-fact)_ They're after her mother's money. Secrets in her mind.

_About that time, Wash comes down from the bridge and crosses through the kitchen. _

**Wash: **They're back.

_The rest of the crew follows him into the cargo bay. Mal and Jayne enter the ship dragging the sled behind them._

**Jayne:** Ho ho ho!

**Kaylee:** Well, it certainly _looks _promising. (_Catches glance from Inara, continues a little less confident)_ ...It's pretty big...

**Wash:**_(aside_ _to Kaylee)_ All I'm sayin' is there had better be fuel reserves in there like he promised.

**Zoe: **_(overhearing)_ You ain't kiddin baby.

**River:** One? This is not going to be a very good Christmas. _(looks at Shepherd Book as though in confidence.)_ Simon doesn't like to share.


	2. Evil Snow and Snooping

This is just what I've done so far today, felt like keepin y'all in the loop. I'll add more to it later tonight or tomorrow. Oh and I've used mandarin, hoping to make my fellow browncoats proud. :)

Enjoy.

* * *

**Mal:** Alright quit your gawkin, job's only half done. (_He releases all of the locks and opens the box. Inside, one half of the box is packed tight with fuel units, rations, and a few common replacement parts. The other side of the box is another box. Made out of the same material as the bigger box, it's showing small signs of rust in places.)_ Wash, Kaylee, get what you need outta the bigger box, get the small one stored away and get us off this creepy rock and back in the right 'verse. Zoe, get on the cortex and wave our good friends on the moon, make sure that accelerator hasn't moved or shut down, then wave Red and let him know we got the cargo. _(crosses through group)_ Doc, you better follow me into the infirmary. _(Continues towards infirmary with Simon on his heals, turns.) _ No one goes outside. Jayne? 

**Jayne: **_(catching up to them)_ I do something wrong, Mal?

**Mal: ** No, I did. Doc? How much you know about deteriorating planets?

**Simon: ** I never was much good at earth science, if that's what you're asking. Why, what's wrong?

**Mal:** _(sits on med bed) _Our friend Red forgot to remind us that everything on this planet is very very angry and doesn't take nicely to humans. _(takes off his boot and reveals what appears to be a nasty burn.)_ Snow's acidic.

**Simon:** (_to Jayne)_ Go to your bunk and check yourself for burns.

**Jayne:** I don't feel particularly warm anywhere, doc.

**Mal:** Do as the man says, Jayne. This here is some pretty evil snow. You won't feel it so much as ... smell it.

**Simon:** Be careful not to let the outside of your clothes come in contact with your skin. Put them in here when you're done. _(Hands him orange bag. Jayne leaves.)_ I'm going to have to mix something to deactivate the cells that are devouring your leg. _(Moves about mixing things together)_

**Mal:** Fast would be appreciated. I think I'm seeing bone.

**Simon:** Actually what you're seeing are your skin and fat cells getting liquidated.

**Mal:** Shiny.

**Simon: **_(Sucks up liquid mixture into a big syringe, (no needle). Kneels by Mal's leg, puts bedpan on the floor beneath it and douses it with liquid. )_

_Mal's leg lets off a huge cloud of steam._

**Mal:** Cao ni zu zong shi ba dai! Shen jing bing! What have you done to my leg??

**Simon:**(_Stammering,) _ I uh... um..._(Smoke clears, he smiles.)_ Fixed it.

**Mal:**_ (looking at his leg)_ Oh. Well, good job then.


End file.
